K is for KISS MY ASS tribute item (with a classic as reinterpreted by Toad the Wet Sprocket):
May 31, 2011
Random Tune for Tuesday 5/31/11
Whew ... that was a long drive home! So the first thing I did (in order to get back on my regular posting schedule -- and after I unpacked the car full of Tastikakes, Gazebo Room dressing, Yeungling Lager and Utz and Bickels potato chips) was to check my cassette collection for items filed under K -- and I only found two from which I could choose: the Kiss Me Kate soundtrack (LVC theatre did a performance of that when I was away doing an internship) and the Kiss My Ass tribute soundtrack (which I purchased primarily for the song below, as I sure loved me some Toad in college!)
May 30, 2011
Purposeful Memorial for Monday 5/30/11
Gone but not forgotten: those who served and didn't make it home.
According to the last page of a book my Grandma had, her husband (my father's father) served in "the Great War". My bio-dad fixed airplanes at the very end of World War II. My ILE dad did the same in Vietnam. Currently I have one nephew in the Air Force academy ... and another fresh out of basic training. On this holiday, I pause to be grateful that none of them were lost in battle ... and to thank them (Paul, Ralph, Walter, Teddy and JacK) for their service to our country.
To those who have lost loved ones, our thoughts are with you as we know how they are surely missed.
APPARENTLY, IT's A CIVIL WAR TRADITION:
http://www.usmemorialday.org/backgrnd.html
I KNOW I'VE LINKED IT BEFORE, BUT HEY -- IT's IMPORTANT:
http://www.operation-helmet.org/contribute.html
JUST IN CASE YOU COULDN'T WATCH:
http://www.pbs.org/memorialdayconcert/
According to the last page of a book my Grandma had, her husband (my father's father) served in "the Great War". My bio-dad fixed airplanes at the very end of World War II. My ILE dad did the same in Vietnam. Currently I have one nephew in the Air Force academy ... and another fresh out of basic training. On this holiday, I pause to be grateful that none of them were lost in battle ... and to thank them (Paul, Ralph, Walter, Teddy and JacK) for their service to our country.
To those who have lost loved ones, our thoughts are with you as we know how they are surely missed.
APPARENTLY, IT's A CIVIL WAR TRADITION:
http://www.usmemorialday.org/backgrnd.html
I KNOW I'VE LINKED IT BEFORE, BUT HEY -- IT's IMPORTANT:
http://www.operation-helmet.org/contribute.html
JUST IN CASE YOU COULDN'T WATCH:
http://www.pbs.org/memorialdayconcert/
May 29, 2011
Random Scandal Sheet for Sunday 5/29/11
What Chicago, Cleveland, Harrisburg, Philadelphia and Lebanon/Lancaster all are talking about this week:
It didn't matter much where I found myself these last few days on this trip, every conversation seemed to start with or come around to the disaster weather we've all been experiencing during this prelude to the kickoff of summer. People are finding themselves in the bathtub, in a basement, in the closet -- anything to avoid the fate of those poor folks in Joplin. Of course it's a boon to the woodchippers and to the weather channel (which should really be rebranded as Apocalypse Now the way they are sensationalizing the reporting), and a reminder that this world's an unpredictable place and that nature will have her way with you if you're not careful!
HELP BY SUPPORTING JOPLIN RELIEF EFFORTS:
BE INFORMED FOR WHEN THEY VISIT YOUR NECK OF THE WOODS:
EVEN DANCING WITH THE STARS CAN GET PRE-EMPTED:
May 28, 2011
Random Soapbox for Saturday 5/28/11
[As usual, vacation and unreliable hotel wireless have interfered with my posting schedule.]
... now that I'm back in my birth state of Pennsylvania (or at least for another 48 hours or so), I gotta hope that this overly litigious society spends time working on the big problems -- instead of dealing with the controversy over middle school kids wearing the I Heart Boobies rubber bracelets to school.
Great that the ACLU is always looking for new rights to protect, and sorry to hear that the school administrator found the double entendre too problematic for his academic fiefdom. But last month, the federal courts ruled that this breast cancer awareness campaign cannot be banned in high schools.
To which I say -- how much time, energy and resources were wasted resolving this dispute? Shame on them that couldn't see the big picture on this issue (sure it pushes a boundary or two, but it wasn't like it was an I Heart Balls bracelet [guys, you have to check your walnuts too!] -- and it's about cleverly getting people to talk about prevention through early detection). But then a same healthy dose of shame to those that took it to federal court. This is not a back-of-the-bus issue -- and may I suggest someone gets to work on anti-bullying lawsuits instead.
Come on -- priorities people!
WE WON, SAY BOOBIES EVERYWHERE:
SUPPORT A CAUSE AND BE HIP IN YOUR PINKNESS:
HERE's A GREAT START:
May 27, 2011
Random Flashback for Friday 5/27/11
The back of the picture says "me and Skip fishing at Bear Lake Utah, Jun '91".
The "me" that is referenced is my biological mother, and this photo starts a series of her western vacation that summer twenty years ago.
Interestingly enough, I have practically no pics of anything I did that same summer ... so in the weeks ahead, I'll also be investigating what I was doing those months that never got captured on film.
For this holiday weekend, I thought it a fitting kick-off to summer!
May 26, 2011
Random Thought for Thursday 5/26/11
Recipe for a truly random thought. To long stretches of flat Ohio turnpike roads, add cruise control. Result ...
Now that suicide bombers are adding females to their ranks, I wonder if their reward is also 72 virgins in heaven. Because I would think that 72 young men trying to fumble their way around would seem much more like a punishment.
MIGHT THE MIGHTY TURNPIKE BE PRIVATIZED IN OHIO?:
TURNS OUT THE ANSWER IS ... "THEIR HUSBANDS":
CRUISE CONTROL URBAN LEGENDS:
May 25, 2011
Random Wordplay for Wednesday 5/25/11
Hevrole.
Used in a sentence: "I was barreling down the Indiana turnpike, squeezed on one side by a triple tractor trailer truck and taunted by an old pick up in front of me that seemed uncertain it could maintain its speed, with a tailgate glaring at me with the unfamiliar word 'hevrole'."
At first, I blamed NAFTRA and its side effect of porous borders allowing odd brands of foreign vehicles to cross over onto our highways -- surely lacking in inspections. After a moment of anger and concern and fear that I would die for the sake of free trade, I shame-facedly stifled my Beck-ian xenophobia, and realized that the C and the T had simply fallen off the truck in front of me at some time in its past.
Oh ... and I survived my first leg of my Memorial Day vacation journey just fine, thank you very much. On to Cleveland in the am!
WHO KNEW -- THIS IS ONE OF MANY PHOTOS ON THE WEB BEFITTING MY WORD:
OOH -- A VANITY FAIR 'EXPOSE':
MY KIND OF HALL OF FAME:
May 24, 2011
Random Tune for Tuesday 5/24/11
What's that you say? Represent my holiday road trip itinerary through a series of random tune selections? Why of course -- challenge accepted!
WED 5.25 FRIED CHICKEN DINNER & COLLARED GREENS WITH THE FAM:
THU 5.26 AFTER YEARS OF TALKING ABOUT IT, FINALLY ... THE HALL OF FAME:
FRI 5.27 LAST TIME I WAS HERE, STEVIE REED WAS MAYOR:
SAT 5.28 PAT's or GINO's OR ONE OF EACH:
SUN 5.29 HOME SWEET HOME (although the song is about the country):
MON 5.30 NEIDERMYER REUNION!:
TUES 5.31 GOTTA STOP BY ROOTS ON THE WAY OUT OF TOWN:
WED 6.1 HOME SWEET HOME:
May 23, 2011
Random Memorial for Monday 5/23/11
Gone but not forgotten: the tomato on my fast food burger.
First, let me say that I had to scrap my original idea to comment that the VW beetle was gone but not forgotten as they've apparently hired the same people who do the McRib campaigns and a third version of this car for the people is on its way in 2012 ... and I almost said that it was Tiger Woods' appearance in the Top 10 that was gone but not forgotten -- but I decided that I'm over that whole scene and I would be just as happy to not see him again until he headlines the second long overdue season of Dr. Drew's Sex Rehab on VH1.
Instead, with a road trip across half the country on tap starting Wednesday and frequent fast food stops built into that travel plan, I thought it better to focus on the tomato that's been pulled from menus due to its cost and freezing Florida weather this past winter/spring. As I understand it, if you want one, you have to ask for it to be added to your burger.
So even though you were never on the baconator in the first place, tomato - you will be missed.
NO TOMATO FOR YOU!:
EHHH ... YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW:
NOBODY AND NOTHING STAYS RETIRED ANY MORE:
May 22, 2011
Random Scandal Sheet for Sunday 5/22/11
What Chicago is talking about this week:
One way or another, it seems to all come back to a "once in a hundred years" conversation. It can be as it relates to the Cubs visit to Fenway [if only those games had been more exciting] or as it relates to the Mississippi flooding [and the controversial decision to save towns by destroying farmers' fields] or as it relates to the city with no Daley as a mayor [and that just feels like it's been a once in 100 type event].
And thanks to a fool's attempt to predict the rapture (uh ... Matthew 24:36 seems pretty straightforward to me), we're all around to see these once in a lifetime events!
NOT SINCE THE '18 (1918 not 2018) SERIES:
http://chicago.sbnation.com/chicago-white-sox/2011/5/22/2184231/cubs-red-sox-russell-wakefield-garza
MUST ... SAVE ... CAIRO ... ILLINOIS:
HE's GONE, BUT YOU'LL STILL FIND HIM MANY PLACES:
May 21, 2011
Random Soapbox for Saturday 5/21/11
I don't mean to go off on a rave here, but ...
... today is Armed Forces Day.
[Remember -- it's all about the balance. I can't rant every Saturday without jeopardizing my sanity!]
On this holiday that pairs so nicely with Memorial Day, we honor those that currently serve in the branches of our military. Historically, a post WWII attempt to create unity within those branches as the Department of Defense was created, President Ike maybe said it best (and even though the quote may be over 60 years, and several wars and conflicts and interventions and such have come and gone -- it's still relevant today):
"It is fitting and proper that we devote one day each year to paying special tribute to those whose constancy and courage constitute one of the bulwarks guarding the freedom of this nation and the peace of the free world."
To those that serve -- Airmen, Sailors, Soldiers, Marines or Coast Guarders (?what are they called?), we salute you. To the friends and families that support you, we offer you our thoughts and prayers on this day.
To those of you looking for an action step for today, feel free to consider the volunteer care package distribution organization below OR the group that sends much needed helmet pack upgrades to troops in harm's way (and I don't want to get started on a rant within this rave, but it sickens me that we give more coverage to the dangers of concussions for athletes than we do to making this simple improvement for our troops -- but that's for a different day ...).
THE THEME: 'UNITED IN STRENGTH':
WANT TO SEND A CARE PACKAGE BUT NEED GUIDANCE?:
http://www.anysoldier.com/
http://www.anysoldier.com/
HELP PROTECT OUR HEROES WHERE THE GOVERNMENT HAS FAILED THEM:
May 20, 2011
Random Flashback for Friday 5/20/11
I feel compelled to reprint this photo from last week (with the stranger cut out). One -- it turns out that the credit I gave to Dar last week was misplaced (funny how 20 year old memories can be fuzzy). After having been corrected, I think it was actually a stranger at Spring Arts in 1991 who didn't know what to draw, and I suggested Cher -- and she complied.
Two -- it's Cher's 65th birthday today. And since she will survive anything (along with cockroaches as per the quip), I would imagine that goes the same for tomorrow's rapture. Happy Bday Cher -- may you have 65 more!
May 19, 2011
Random Thought for Thursday 5/19/11
I'm a geek. I'm a nerd. I like to read -- a lot. I've been this way my whole life. Gaga would say I was born this way.
SPEED OF LIGHT/MELTING CHEESE DEMO:
Looking for evidence? I got excited to find out that I could measure the speed of light by melting cheese in my microwave.
Home grown science projects have come a long way since the potato in water trick (which, in my adult life, I now understand as an intro to hydroponics ... and I'm surprised that there aren't rallies to remove that experiment from our schools by bored book burners looking for a new cause).
SPEED OF LIGHT/MELTING CHEESE DEMO:
HYDROPONICS 101:
NOW, A COUNTRY VERSION:
May 18, 2011
Random Wordplay for Wednesday 5/18/11
[Warning: tonight's post is rated TV-14 (L)]
Used in a sentence: "I know the ERA didn't get passed, but in the spirit of equal gender rights, why is it that 'that old DOB' didn't catch on the same way that 'that old SOB' did?"
I mean, after all, the taunt is literally all about the momma of the person you're insulting -- so why not apply it regardless of gender. Please join me in supporting equal rights by using 'daughter of a bitch' the next chance you get.
THERE's STILL A CHANCE IT COULD BE AN AMENDMENT:
THE IDIOMATIC HISTORY OF SON OF A GUN:
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/327900.html
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/327900.html
OR THE URBAN DICTIONARY ALTERNATIVE:
May 17, 2011
Random Tune for Tuesday 5/17/11
It's that biweekly return to my occasional series: AtoZ Musical Eccentricities (the cassette years), with a tune (or two) to file under the letter J. And, a few weeks back, someone called out this performer when I was posting for the letter E. However, my mild OCD/anal retentiveness means that this one's stored under J for John instead of E for Elton ... and I couldn't decide whether to go all Cold-War-Berlin-Wall pensive or all V-shaped-snout-in-the-saltwater party. But hey, I make the rules here -- so why not list links to both?
J is for JOHN, ELTON (pensive):
J is for JOHN, ELTON (party):
May 16, 2011
Random Memorial for Monday 5/16/11
Gone but not forgotten: my only mayor.
Well, my only mayor while during my time in Chicago -- which, now that I've done the math, is half of my adult life (it will be 10 years this September -- yep, I "moved" on 9/11/01). Look, I pick on the headlines every now and then, but I absolutely love the small-neighborhood big-city feel of Chitown, and I've had no issues with Daley's tenure. [Rahm did say in his inaugural address that there's lots of money to be saved, so I will offer up that he is welcome to cut the work crew that was working on the curbs outside my apartment window at 7am today.] My only fear is that the loss of Daley and Oprah within the same fortnight is going to create some vortex and send the city into the lake.
Da Mare ... you will be missed.
TURNS OUT THE GOVERNMENTAL AGENCY EXEMPTED THEMSELVES FROM THIS:
10 FUN FACTS ABOUT THE NEW MAYOR:
THE O COUNTDOWN:
May 15, 2011
Random Scandal Sheet for Sunday 5/15/11
What Chicago is talking about this week:
It's just a typical weekend in an urban environment. You know, the headlines are just the usual stuff -- "Cab driver shot in Evanston", "Friend drives 2 to hospital after shooting", "Woman dies day after fall down stairs in Grant Park", "Man shot in face on SW side" and "Ill. man charged with setting houseguest on fire".
You have to look pretty hard to find anything that doesn't involve slayings or stabbings or shootings (oh my!), and those aren't any happier titles: "Court orders Chicago to hire 111 black firefighters" or "No bail for Yemeni man who stormed cockpit" or "Second police officer charged with sex crimes posts bail".
My only hope for a glimmer of a feel good story: "Rain can't damper fire of Idol contender's hometown fans".
On this miserable weather day where even the Cubs won't come out to play, it might just be best to go back to bed and wait for tomorrow (or stop trolling the breaking news website for Chicago's most depressing stories ...)
ALWAYS BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU'RE FIGHTING OVER A GAS CAN:
YOUNG DRUNK WOMEN WALKING AROUND WRIGLEY IN THE AM -- BEWARE THE COPS!:
DE WYZE in 2010 and HALEY in 2011 -- WILL WHEELING REPEAT IN IDOL?:
http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/news/local/chibrknews-rain-cant-dampen-fire-of-idol-contenders-hometown-fans-20110514,0,2527100.story
http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/news/local/chibrknews-rain-cant-dampen-fire-of-idol-contenders-hometown-fans-20110514,0,2527100.story
May 14, 2011
Random Soapbox for Saturday 5/14/11
I don't mean to go off on a rant here, but ...
... Jersey needs to get off my entertainment jock.
I don't mind it so much when "Jersey" is in the title. I can seek out Jersey Shore if I want to see Island kids (that's Rhode and Long, for those confused) engage in public intoxication and act like tools in clubs. I can turn the channel when Jerseylicious suddenly appears on the TV, although I will do so while shuddering at the thought that there will be a whole generation of baby-talking plump-assed young women hitting middle-age when that lifestyle won't be anything close to cute (that could be the Stepford Wives phenomenon for the current generation). And I can specifically locate when the Real Housewives of New Jersey will return (that's Monday night, for those looking to see whom that thick-as-thieves-family turns it sights on this season).
It's when Jersey sneaks into my shows that I'm the most upset. I cleared off a little more of the DVR, and, after watching multiple episodes back to back, realized that there was a fundamental flaw with ABC's Friday night 20/20 spin-off "What Would You Do?". It's not that this update to Candid Camera that poses as a social experiment tries too hard and often employs individuals who are clearly over-acting. It's not that the need to create a weekly show instead of just doing occasional segments and specials has led to scenarios where the common folk get baited into providing a response. The problem -- almost every hot button, ripped from the headlines, what if we swap out the race/gender/age experiment is performed in New Jersey.
No offense to any of you glowing in the Garden State, but I just don't think you represent the American people for these scenarios. John Quinones -- let's have a little truth in advertising -- this show has become "What Would Jersey Do" and has lost some of its charm. How about traveling a little more and really showing the diversity this country has to offer?
THIS WAS THE ONLY THING I DARE LIST FROM MY "BABY TALK PLUMP ASS" SEARCH:
I THOUGHT THIS WAS A JOKE ... BUT I THINK IT IS REAL:
TAKE THE WWYD QUIZ:
http://abcnews.go.com/WhatWouldYouDo/page?id=10614513
http://abcnews.go.com/WhatWouldYouDo/page?id=10614513
May 13, 2011
Random Flashback for Friday 5/13/11
Well it looks like my east coast trip is coming together nicely (hope to see a few folks when I'm back home in the area for Memorial Day weekend)! And I'll be able to walk on this sidewalk where the great artist Dar drew me a picture of Cher in 1991 during the Spring Arts Festival.Except I can't exactly amble on this sidewalk since that was re-landscaped a few years ago to face some Gazebo thingy on the social quad with rows of bricks (that probably communicate something to anyone taking an aerial view).
[But I'll at least make it a point to stop by campus on my way to getting a soft pretzel at Hills, a late night burger at Hardees and an evening of nineties style fun at the Casino Roller Rink -- providing I can locate a time machine ...]
May 12, 2011
Random Thought for Thursday 5/12/11
[due to blogger.com downtime, this is a day late and a dollar short so to speak ... I guess you can enjoy the brevity, which means it qualifies for that occasional series: retweetable randomness]
If a frosted mini wheat started talking to me first thing in the morning when I was planning my day, I'd make a note to myself to ask my doc to adjust my medication & crawl back into bed.
IT'S NOT SO DISTURBING WHEN THEY TALK TO THE KIDS:
THEY SHOULD BRING BACK THIS CLASSIC CAMPAIGN:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pw2kze2t9ao
OTHER PEOPLE FIND THESE ADS DISTURBING TOO:
http://board.uscho.com/showthread.php?58963-TRP-Part-35-All-Summer-and-No-Hockey-Makes-TRPers-Dull-People-.../page49
May 11, 2011
Random Wordplay for Wednesday 5/11/11
Duodecuple.
BUT HE's NOT AS BAD AS DALY (GOLFER, NOT THE MAYOR):
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/golf/8452937/Americas-Kevin-Na-makes-duodecuple-bogey-16-to-set-Tour-record-for-highest-score-on-par-four.html
FIND A GAME IN YOUR NECK OF THE WOODS:
http://www.goldentee.com/gt/GT/
Used in a sentence: "Poor Kevin Na, now going down in history for his duodecuple-bogey."
My exposure to golf is really more on the Golden Tee level (shouldn't the 2012 game be out soon?), but I do have to thank it for introducing this word to my vocabulary. Apparently duodecuple means consisting of 12s or 12fold, so when Kevin hit a 16 (or 12 over par), that was a duodecuple bogey. Why is it that they didn't continue the bird name themes for going over par as albatross and eagle sound so majestic -- couldn't 12 over be something like a pigeon?
At least for that day, seeing NA on the leaderboard may just as well have stood for NonApplicable.
WHERE THE BOGEY COMES FROM:
BUT HE's NOT AS BAD AS DALY (GOLFER, NOT THE MAYOR):
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/golf/8452937/Americas-Kevin-Na-makes-duodecuple-bogey-16-to-set-Tour-record-for-highest-score-on-par-four.html
FIND A GAME IN YOUR NECK OF THE WOODS:
http://www.goldentee.com/gt/GT/
May 10, 2011
Random Tune for Tuesday 5/10/11
I'll have to punt my original lighthearted post of a Meatloaf song (bye bye evil Star -- add Nene to any reality show and I'm fine with it) as I've watched the local news unfold today about Riley Choate.
Riley -- there is a special place in hell reserved for you. And, although I'm usually more of a "live and let live" kind of guy, anything that hastens your arrival there is OK in my book. Now that the body of your 13 year old son Christian was found (he's been "missing" for two years -- but was never reported as so, as his "father" buried him under a slab of concrete and his "family" stayed silent). The news tells that he was forced to live in a small dog cage, deprived of food, beaten, bathed in ice cold water ... etc. ... etc.
Riley -- rotting in hell sounds too much like a vacation for you -- instead, may you receive all that you gave -- tenfold.
And may we all be more observant and defend the innocents, so that there will be no "broken hearts that the world forgot", as Martina McBride sings ...
POWERFUL STUFF:
May 9, 2011
Random Memorial for Monday 5/9/11
Gone and apparently forgotten: Yvette Vickers.
It's actually a sad sad story. The B-movie actress from "Attack of the 50-ft Woman" was found dead in her home late last month and was probably dead at least a year before being found. So I say to you -- I've been posting now since June 2009 (not all of those have been back-loaded to the blog, though, as I need more rainy days and weekends without projects or a too-full DVR), and I sometimes miss a few days in a row when vacation or a busy workload or a drunken weekend interfere. But if I go more than seven days without a post, please do me a favor and send over the well-being-check folks.
Were I to die before I wake, I don't want to be missed!
[On another note, gone but not forgotten: this last season of Amazing Race (and my last Amazing Race Aside for a few months)!
It was so sad to see my two favorite teams place fourth and third respectively (Asperger and Samba do not mix! Communicating with cab drivers in your own country can be just as difficult -- or more so - than those in a foreign land!), but all props to the sisters for beating out the Globetrotters and announcing that they'll take care of their Chicago single mother with their winnings (on Mother's Day, no less).
Bring on the next season, as until then, this race will be missed.]
MUMMIFIED REMAINS (IS HOARDERS FAR BEHIND?):
PAST BLOG POSTS FOUND HERE (SEARCH AS YOU WISH USING THE TAGS ON THE SIDE:
ENTER FOR SEASON 19 WITH THIS APPLICATION:
May 8, 2011
Random Scandal Sheet for Sunday 5/8/11
What Chicago is talking about this week:
A select few are celebrating the one week anniversary of the death of Bin Laden (and considering how it might affect the NFL lockout which had big plans for a 9/11/11 day of football), but the majority are honoring their mommas (except for the hard-core Mexicans, who have Madre's Day on May 10th every year).
And, if your Mom is really cool, maybe she'll join you in celebrating May as National Burger Month. By the way, if she is and you're close to Chicago, may I recommend the Hangover Burger as featured at Mity Nice on Michigan Avenue (unless she's close to, or has already experienced, a cardiac event): a beef patty topped with American cheese and chipotle mayo served between two bacon-grilled-cheese sandwiches (instead of the bun).
[A note for posterity -- should I find myself on death row in need of a last meal ... I choose that one, and make it a double.]
HOW BIN LADEN's DEATH COULD AFFECT THE NFL LOCKOUT:
VIRGIN OF GUADALUPE DAY AKA DAY FOR MADRES:
MITY NICE IS MIGHTY NICE:
May 7, 2011
Random Soapbox for Saturday 5/7/11
[This would normally start with an "I don't mean to go off on a rant here, but" ... except today, I turned up the anger and extremism a notch, so I thought it best to dust off something I haven't done in awhile ... here is my fourth entry of a "super-short sTROYie" ...]
TELEMARKETER TIRADE
I don't mean to go off on a tirade here, but ... telemarketers be warned.
No amount of sales training on how to overcome obstacles has prepared you for me.
I will annihilate you. I will shake you to your core. I will make you doubt your calling (pun fully intended).
I know that in this economy, everyone needs a job. So I will politely decline – ONCE – but then all bets are off if you do not pick up on the fact that you should hang up and move on to someone else. I will tell you that I make no deals over the phone and inform you that your best bet is to mail me your pitch. That will be my last warning before I strike.
I will inspire you to workplace violence. I will imply that you are the true terrorist.
I will mock you mercilessly. I will resort to foul language. I will become a monster. I will view our conversation as bloodsport, from which only one of us will survive with our faculties intact. You could be a grandmother of twelve and a deacon in your church, but I will make your experience something akin to dancing with the devil.
If I am with others, I will put you on speaker phone and turn your destruction into a parlor game.
I will insult the memory of your mother, whom I will tell you must certainly have died young based on your lack of manners, glossing over the irony of that statement.
I will resort to tactics like flushing the commode into the phone … or suddenly blaring the television as I hold it up to the speaker … or pretending to talk to another about how ridiculous you are being to make you think that this is a public shaming.
If you show one small sign of crazy during our interaction, I will match it and raise the scenario to demented within seconds. You will find yourself in a role play, and you will be Star Jones while I am the oh-so-real tell-it-like-it-is Nene Leakes (bloop, bloop, bloop)!
I will flash analyze your sales pitch and laser in on its weaknesses, holding you accountable for its flaws.
I will make it my goal to provide you with an experience that you will not be able to share with your co-workers or your closest family -- and that you will only tell your therapist in an emotional breakthrough years later. I will want to scar your psyche. I will not give up until you abandon capitalism and move to India to become the next Mother Theresa.
And guess what – telemarketers aren’t in the Bible so no one can throw up a Leviticus reference to ban my behavior.
The Jerky Boys will come out of retirement to fete my at an awards show. The tales of my machinations will create a whole new oeuvre of film to replace the torture porn craze that brought us nearly a dozen Saw movies. My hatred and singular focus mentality will be channeled to create a political party that rivals the Tea Party and I will make it my mission to get a TV show and to run for president on an anti-telemarketer platform in 2012.
Bottom line – I am happy with my current cable provider. I am not looking to experiment by switching my electricity delivery channel to your company. I already know that I didn't really win that free cruise.
Your only defense is to accept my offer when I initially decline. Or to quickly recognize the hopelessness of the situation before it gets ugly. Or to contact me with an automated message, as then my vitriol will be directed to a machine whose feelings can’t be hurt (although I will still try, as it is my default defense position and as I am clearly OK with looking like an idiot).
You have been warned ...
P.S. If I am ever the victim of a random killing or a drive-by shooting, please let the police know to check my phone records, as they might just find someone whom I maddened to murder.
I'VE SAID IT BEFORE, BUT FACEBOOK HAS A PAGE FOR EVERYTHING:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/I-Hate-Telemarketers/166179260100340
TOP 10 REASONS TO SAY "BLOOP, BLOOP, BLOOP":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOjraa2sQ6U
I KNOW YOUR TACTICS. I HAVE SEEN YOUR TACTICS. THEY WILL NOT WORK:
http://business.solveyourproblem.com/start-a-home-business/telemarketing-tactics.shtml
May 6, 2011
Random Flashback for Friday 5/6/11
The time ... 1991. The place ... the LVC Spring Arts Festival. The event ... selling fruit cups for the theatre club and honorary greek organization Alpha Psi Omega (the Rho Eta cast).What makes it unique? ... The Spring Arts Festival no longer exists by that name. As I understand it, over the last 20 years, the college town community got frustrated with the drunken kids, and the event had to be rebranded in an attempt to start the "spin" anew.
Who knew the Arts community was so dangerous! Maybe it was fruit soaked in alcohol?
May 5, 2011
Random Thought for Thursday 5/5/11
I live in an old Chicago apartment, so it is not uncommon to see, smell and hear things happening above or below me (ah ... the joy of being in the middle). So having heard what I heard from the newer neighbor up above, I've run into her in the laundry room and I just don't know what to say. If the comment continuum has a WASPy* regressive "let's not talk about the sex" on one end and "you're so loose that if you had twins, they'd likely have different fathers**" on the other, I'm leaning toward giving her the universal thumbs-up with a "good luck on the baby making" the next time I see her (or is that too creepy?) ...
[*That's WASPy as in White Anglo Saxon Protestant, not as in the Kinsey wasps.]
[**I must give credit where credit is due, as this is a minor modification of one of those rare laugh out loud lines from Days of our Lives this week (fake Rafe to Sami, for those wondering) -- one of the benefits of working from home is that I can arrange my lunch around my "story", like in my college days ...]
WASP, WAY ONE:
WASP, WAY TWO:
SOME FANS ARE MUCH MORE VOCAL THAN I:
May 4, 2011
Random Wordplay for Wednesday 5/4/11
Skijoring.
Used in a sentence: "With the weather finally turning away from winter (the apartment windows will be open all week this week in Chicago!), I better hurry and mention this sport (and potential Scrabble word dispute in the making) that I didn't even know existed until recently -- skijoring."
If the Wiki is to be believed, this sport where skiers are pulled by horses or dogs or motor vehicles was an exhibition in the 1928 Olympics (don't think it will be in Sochi next year ... and by the way, can I vote now for Munich in 2016 so that it becomes the only city to have hosted both a summer and a winter Olympics?). I read about skijoring in the paper as they described a Winter Carnival event in New Hampshire -- and did a double take to make sure it wasn't a picture from the latest Jackass movie. All I can say is ... if a blizzard next year closes down LakeShoreDrive, have we got plans for you.
[After researching what it was, I kind of wanted it to be the Roadblock or the Detour on this season's penultimate Race episode (yep, squeezing in an Amazing Race Aside here), but I still enjoyed the save-someone-(buried-in-an-avalanche)-a-half-a-body-at-a-time task. If only Bonnie Hunt were still on the air to take the punk duo to task (not to sound too judg-y, but what exactly is that relationship again?) for their negative energy and bickering that led to their dismissal. Go Gary and Mallory or Zev and Justin!]
IT MADE #4 ON THE LIST OF THE 10 WACKIEST OLYMPIC SPORTS EVER:
JACKASS ON JOOST (don't try this at home ...):
A MOUNTAINEER's TAKE ON THE AMAZING RACE CHALLENGE:
May 3, 2011
Random Tune for Tuesday 5/3/11
So maybe the choices from which I could pick for tonight's post really define this occasional series concept the best. To find a tune from the eccentric collection of cassettes I have filed under the letter 'I', I reviewed ... I Claim the Cross (an Easter musical service from Hebron church that I narrated), the soundtracks to Indiana Jones and the Lost Crusade and the Bernadette Peters edition of Into the Woods, and 90's selections from Enrique Iglesias, the Indigo Girls and the one that I actually chose from (now, upon reflection, I just hope that's it's not an ode to auto-erotic asphyxiation)*...
I IS FOR INXS:
May 2, 2011
Purposeful Memorial for Monday 5/2/11
Gone but not forgotten: the other 10,000 deaths.
I have to admit to feeling the slightest bit uncomfortable with all the hootin' and hollerin' in the last 24 hours (I said slight, which means minimal to all of you modern day McCartheyists waiting in the wings). Don't get me wrong -- I'm glad that it is over, and, to be honest, this is my first major despot elimination, so I have no real frame of reference. I can start to understand the idea of closure, although this event isn't bringing anyone back that's already been lost. And religious extremism has been interconnected with war and violence for ages (can't we ever peacefully proselytize to each other about our faiths?) -- and will be for ages to come.
And don't get it twisted anyone -- I am certainly all for the military personnel serving overseas, the ones in training to go wherever we end up for the next conflagration, the families left behind waiting for loved ones to return or dealing with those that don't ... but I also carry the weariness of Mother Courage (gratuitous Brecht reference) and view war like any other overgrown giant business industrial complex.
So Osama or UBL or Usama or whatever your watery gravestone should say (I don't want another Elvis Aaron Presley on our hands in 20 years), now you don't get the spotlight anymore -- and instead, can we say for the 3000 or so that died on 9/11 and the nearly 6000 of our own troops that paid the ultimate sacrifice in the Long War so far and another 1000 or so from the other terrorist attacks inspired by you or the countless civilian deaths connected to our actions and your insurgencies ... for all of those -- can we focus instead on all of their lives cut short and say that they will be the ones who are missed.
NUMBERS SOMETIMES DON'T MEAN AS MUCH AS THE FACES DO:
I HAVE A LOT OF DEBT FOR THIS GERMAN DEGREE, SO I HAVE TO USE IT HERE:
THE GRACELAND VERSION EXPLAINING AWAY THE MISSPELLED TOMBSTONE:
May 1, 2011
Random Scandal Sheet for Sunday 5/1/11
What Chicago is talking about this week:
It's May Day! (And that's not some panic response to the political climate of our time, but instead a shout-out to the literal May 1 holiday.) And unless you have pole-activities planned (you can take that wherever your mind wanders), may I offer up that you should give an organized worker a hug.
[Note: This suggestion not recommended for Wisconsin, Indiana or Ohio at this time.]
OH MY, IT's ALL ABOUT FERTILITY AND PHALLI (is that the plural of PHALLUS?):
MAY DAY AS EMERGENCY -- A BUSINESS ALL ABOUT PREPAREDNESS:
MAYBE I HAVE IT ALL WRONG, MAYBE THEY NEED A HUG MOST OF ALL!:
http://www.theatlanticwire.com/politics/2011/03/union-battles-rage-across-midwest/35580/
http://www.theatlanticwire.com/politics/2011/03/union-battles-rage-across-midwest/35580/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)