I know that in this economy, everyone needs a job. So I will politely decline – ONCE – but then all bets are off if you do not pick up on the fact that you should hang up and move on to someone else. I will tell you that I make no deals over the phone and inform you that your best bet is to mail me your pitch. That will be my last warning before I strike.
I will inspire you to workplace violence. I will imply that you are the true terrorist.
I will mock you mercilessly. I will resort to foul language. I will become a monster. I will view our conversation as bloodsport, from which only one of us will survive with our faculties intact. You could be a grandmother of twelve and a deacon in your church, but I will make your experience something akin to dancing with the devil.
If I am with others, I will put you on speaker phone and turn your destruction into a parlor game.
I will insult the memory of your mother, whom I will tell you must certainly have died young based on your lack of manners, glossing over the irony of that statement.
I will resort to tactics like flushing the commode into the phone … or suddenly blaring the television as I hold it up to the speaker … or pretending to talk to another about how ridiculous you are being to make you think that this is a public shaming.
If you show one small sign of crazy during our interaction, I will match it and raise the scenario to demented within seconds. You will find yourself in a role play, and you will be Star Jones while I am the oh-so-real tell-it-like-it-is Nene Leakes (bloop, bloop, bloop)!
I will flash analyze your sales pitch and laser in on its weaknesses, holding you accountable for its flaws.
I will make it my goal to provide you with an experience that you will not be able to share with your co-workers or your closest family -- and that you will only tell your therapist in an emotional breakthrough years later. I will want to scar your psyche. I will not give up until you abandon capitalism and move to India to become the next Mother Theresa.
And guess what – telemarketers aren’t in the Bible so no one can throw up a Leviticus reference to ban my behavior.
The Jerky Boys will come out of retirement to fete my at an awards show. The tales of my machinations will create a whole new oeuvre of film to replace the torture porn craze that brought us nearly a dozen Saw movies. My hatred and singular focus mentality will be channeled to create a political party that rivals the Tea Party and I will make it my mission to get a TV show and to run for president on an anti-telemarketer platform in 2012.
Bottom line – I am happy with my current cable provider. I am not looking to experiment by switching my electricity delivery channel to your company. I already know that I didn't really win that free cruise.
Your only defense is to accept my offer when I initially decline. Or to quickly recognize the hopelessness of the situation before it gets ugly. Or to contact me with an automated message, as then my vitriol will be directed to a machine whose feelings can’t be hurt (although I will still try, as it is my default defense position and as I am clearly OK with looking like an idiot).
You have been warned ...
P.S. If I am ever the victim of a random killing or a drive-by shooting, please let the police know to check my phone records, as they might just find someone whom I maddened to murder.
I'VE SAID IT BEFORE, BUT FACEBOOK HAS A PAGE FOR EVERYTHING:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/I-Hate-Telemarketers/166179260100340
TOP 10 REASONS TO SAY "BLOOP, BLOOP, BLOOP":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOjraa2sQ6U
I KNOW YOUR TACTICS. I HAVE SEEN YOUR TACTICS. THEY WILL NOT WORK:
http://business.solveyourproblem.com/start-a-home-business/telemarketing-tactics.shtml
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