... dear neighborhoodlums, please shape up or ship out.
At the risk of tipping my hand as to how I'm nearly finished transforming into the grumpy old man that yells at the kids to get off his lawn (luckily, this property is completely fenced in, so I don't have to waste energy in that fashion), here is my list of demands.
FIRST, please start walking with a purpose. I understand that Florida is warm and a vacation destination and has a little bit of that whole southern "everything in its own sweet time" worldview, but I have never seen a generation so completely at ease being as ease whilst strolling through the 'hood. How can so many of you have nowhere to go and nothing to do and nowhere to be? (Or is just that y'all adhere to the baggy-to-the-extremes sartorial sense, so that you can't move too quickly lest your britches fall down completely. And yes, I said britches. So sure, I'm now officially middle-aged.) If you move so slowly, I'm going to assume that you're moving at a snail's pace so as to seize just the right moment to commit some sort of delinquent act. Move along ... there's nothing to see here.
SECOND, speaking of walking ... please start doing so on the sidewalks. This 'hood happens to be where the North/South numbered avenues intersect with the East/West numbered streets. *Avenues* and *streets*, people ... not pedestrian through-ways. Take the chip off your damn shoulder about those who can afford automobiles and stop challenging me to run you down. Because I do not want to do it. But it's going to happen. Particularly if you are stoned and it's nighttime. And it won't be my fault.
THIRD, speaking of getting stoned ... the empty lot next door is not a public park. It happens to be an abandoned lot that others in the 'hood have cleaned up so as to keep blight away from this block. It is not a place for you 'hood-hookers to bring your johns in the middle of the afternoon for a toke and some tonsil hockey of the tumescent type. It's not so much that I begrudge you the chance to make a dollar (or $40, assuming that's the going rate ... I haven't seen your menu or anything) ... it's just that I would rather you conduct your activity under the cover of darkness instead of after school. Unless, of course, the timing of your activities points to the fact that you and your clients are underage and that this *is* what you do for your extra-curriculars.
FOURTH, speaking of that lot next door ... if you park your car in front of it to loiter and linger vehicularly, the puppies that patrol this perimeter are going to be all up in your business. And rest assured that they will alert everyone else to your presence, which means anyone within ear shot will be potentially involved in whatever nefarious task you are executing within your automobile.
FIFTH, speaking of the puppies ... it is true that one of them is "special'. You do not need to point. You do not need to ask what happened to him. You do not need to get that look on your face that makes me think less of you as a person. He's just fine ... and he'd rather you move along at a quicker pace, preferably on the sidewalk ... just as I do.
Thanks ... xoxo ... me.
SO YOU KIDS DON'T WANT CARS ... AT LEAST START *WALKING* WITH A PURPOSE!:
http://business.time.com/2013/08/09/the-great-debate-do-millennials-really-want-cars-or-not/
SINCE SO MANY OF YOU YOUNGSTERS SEEM UNINFORMED ... MEET SIDEWALKS:
http://guide.saferoutesinfo.org/engineering/sidewalks.cfm
PRICES ARE GOING DOWN AS MUCH AS THE SEX WORKERS THEMSELVES:
http://www.cnbc.com/id/101917033#.
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