... USA Today, you threw me for a damn loop this week, what with your unannounced sudden doubling in price.
First things first, to the little girl behind the counter at the 7-11 who told me on Monday that I didn't have enough money to buy the paper because it was $2.00 now instead of $1.00 -- I kind of apologize that I discounted your behind the counter knowledge and gave you a dirty look when you showed me the numbers in the corner. You see, it's just that I'm always right, and so when someone attempts to prove that I'm not right, it's a bit jarring. In that situation in which we found ourselves, I would have preferred that you had just nodded your head, and affirmed my truth and either discounted the paper to the dollar that I was expecting to pay or just pitched in and matched my contribution in order to allow me to leave your store with the security of knowing that I was continuing down my path of always being right. Instead, you told me that "price went up yesterday", which was technically wrong since this publication doesn't have a weekend edition, but whatevs. I came back ten minutes later after doubling my paper money, and made the purchase from you, my chastener.
Second things second, to you elitists out there who are judging me for purchasing a publication so plebeian, you can just suck it and go back to your Sunday New York Times crossword (where "plebeian" might just be the answer to one of your questions). I like the pretty colors and the headline based stories and the nuggets of knowledge ... so neener-neener-neener to you and yours. Besides, in modern times, I consume my news across many different platforms, and the USA Today is the perfect fit for me for some things, in particular keeping up on basic Sports information. Look, I'll never be *that* guy who gets engaged in statistics and fantasy this or that or who experiences blood flow to his private parts when he watches Sports Center, and I just need to know enough superficial sporty facts to be involved in small talk with strangers.
Third things third, I should have known something like this might happen, although it was the shock of the cost having doubled in one day that caught me off guard. I mean, I'm used to stamps and petrol creeping up in price, and I expected my daily paper to have the same trajectory. My mistake was that I put the USA Today in that category of consumables, and I should have compared it to the cost of tipping strippers. Meaning -- I used to dole out my appreciation of their performances in singles, until I found out that one mocked me for having only given a dollar. Now, because I'm a conscientious stripper tipper, I always make sure to give two or three dollar bills at once, fanned out as I approach them to make sure that I'm not ridiculed. For perspective, I don't anticipate that I will ever be the kind to "make it rain", because a) I am not actively trying to establish any hip hop street cred and b) I grew up with the cautionary tales told by Billy Joel that warned me about how, if I was too much of a "Big Shot" when out and about, I'd wake up with "my head on fire and my eyes too bloody to see" (note: it's always why I don't ever go to Sears to buy paintings with anyone with whom I'm in a relationship, because we all know how that ended for Brenda and Eddie).
Bottom line -- USA Today, you win the battle against my bottom line, and I will now begin to budget $10 instead of $5 weekly for the pretty colors you introduce into my day.
THE LAST PRICE INCREASE WAS JUST A QUARTER FIVE YEARS AGO:
http://gannettblog.blogspot.com/2013/09/usat-cover-price-said-doubling-to-2-on.html
STRIPPER ETIQUETTE, BECAUSE YOU SHOULD KNOW BEFORE YOU GO:
http://www.thefrisky.com/2010-02-17/girl-talk-strip-club-etiquette-from-a-stripper/
BECAUSE WE ALL SHOULD LEARN FROM WHAT HAPPENED TO BRENDA & EDDIE:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUz48xw_OiM
No comments:
Post a Comment