TELEMARKETER TIRADE: TAKE TWO
[a wordplay example connected back to my] [original post in 2011 and used to effectuate a] [revival of my series of super-short sTROYies]
[NOTE: this is not a work of fiction, but]
[is a script of a conversation I had yesterday]
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Phone rings. I answer.
ME: This is Troy.
GIRL: May I please speak to Mr. or Mrs. Neidermyer?
ME: This is Troy.
GIRL: Hi ... I'm just confirming the address you supplied recently ... are you at ... [correctly says my address to me]
ME: Yep.
GIRL: And to confirm, what's the zip code?
ME: 60613.
GIRL: I'm calling to notify you that you have won a 2013 BMW, a Ferrari, $49,000 thousand in cash, a $1500 shopping spree or $500 in cash.
ME: Wait a minute. I'm won $49,000 and $500? Why not just tell me that I won $49,500 at the same time?
GIRL: Oh -- well, it's not both. It's either or -- after you've viewed our property ...
ME: Wait a minute -- before we continue, I need you to explain the disparity in the prizes. I mean $49,000 and $500 are wildly different amounts.
GIRL: It all depends on what you win after you've ...
ME: Actually, I've made a decision. I give it to you.
GIRL: [Silence.]
ME: You may have my prize.
GIRL: I appreciate that, but ...
ME: No buts ... I'm giving it to you. Don't you watch Oprah? I'm paying it forward.
GIRL: I appreciate that, but I'm not allowed ...
ME: Oh no -- I insist! If this call's being taped, I state publicly that I bequeath this gift to you. It's yours -- I swear on my unborn child and consistent with whatever your lawyers say need to be signed. It's yours. I bet you'd look pretty in that BMW.
GIRL: I appreciate that, but ...
ME: You don't get it. I want you to appreciate that BMW -- or, if it's only $500, then I want you to buy yourself a BMW matchbox and to enjoy the other $495 you'll have left over.
GIRL: So ... you'll get your gift ...
ME: No ... no ... don't go back to your script. I'm not interested in that. By the way, I have to hope that you are smart enough to know that I'm toying with you now -- and, as someone who is probably paid on commission, that means I'm actually taking money out of your pocket when I really don't have anything of value to offer you. Does that sound like a familiar business model?
GIRL: [Silence.]
ME: Well -- you have a good day.
GIRL: [quietly] You too ...
And ... S C E N E!
THE ORIGINAL TELEMARKETER TIRADE:
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