... I'm tired of just complaining about the murder-iffic status of my adopted hometown of Chicago (since '01 ... and counting!). Complaining is easy ... it's much harder to be proactive ... to feel like I'm contributing to the solution instead of just shining a light on the problems. To whit, here are five tips I've put together to help those who'd like to survive modern times in Chitown.
TIP #1: Try not to be a gang member. It seems like that's still the usual connection to the more permanent way to shuffle off this mortal coil that's apparently all the rage. Sure there's also collateral damage (I'll get to that), but stay out of "the life" if you can, because, spoiler alert -- it's paradoxically named that.
TIP #2: Try not to use gang services. Which means you have to buy all of your drugs from your local friendly pharmacist (if there's one thing more prevalent than a Starbucks in this town, it's the byproducts of the turf war being fought over street corners between CVS and Walgreens) ... and you can't go looking for nookie-by-the-hour out at the airport hotel-no-tell-motels ... and you daresn't go expressing your artistic skill for defacing public and private property via graffiti-esque murals that might intrude on the cute little squigglies that the gang taggers use.
TIP #3: Try not to hang out in areas that are being contested. Borders are bad places to live (for other examples, see any country in the Middle East, or any country close to Germany in the mid-40's, or, for a more light-hearted perspective, any episode of the History Channel's "How the States Got Their Shapes"). If you are unsure about whether you are treading on disputed ground, be safe and assume that you are. Chicago may one day hire a gang czar, and then he or she can open up neighborhood offices so that you can visit and learn these types of things (come to think of it, maybe the aldermen and alderwomen of the city can create space in their 'hood offices for some 'hood representation as a realistic nod to who's really in control of the respective 'hoods) ... but until that time, and especially if you want to avoid being struck down in the crossfire of the automatic machine gun that slaughters folks between the uptown McDonald's and the steps of the nearby church, then ... consider all of the benefits that agoraphobia can offer. And for those of you with children, there's always home-schooling -- unless you put your faith in those trained to provide Safe Passage -- a modern day Underground Railroad type solution (essay question: compare and contrast these two "escape" routes; one from slavery and one from gangs -- and then just break down and cry at how far we've *not* come as a society ...).
TIP #4: Don't tempt them. By "them", I mean "them" Rob(b)in' Hood(lums) who are intent on redistributing the tech wealth from the haves to the have-nots. [See what I did there? I might have just created and named a new gang! Boy, it *is* easy to fall down that rabbit hole, isn't it?] Full disclosure -- tip #4 is not an original tip from me. It's actually the number one thing (and seemingly the only thing) that the police consistently say at meeting after meeting and on news expose after news expose. If you're still reading this post, it would be best if you read this next quote in the same voice that Eddie Murphy used to use when he offered up something that old white men say: "You have to learn to keep your phones in your pockets and to not walk around waving them in the air like you just don't care -- 'cause they'll take them from you!" Alternate plan -- do like me and be sure that the "smart" phone you carry is a model released more than five years ago -- flip phone preferred ... as it's not preferred at all by "them".
TIP #5: Don't make eye contact and be empowered to cross the street. One can debate PC once PeaCe has returned to the streets. Sure the Midwest is supposed to have a reputation for being friendly (but, let me tell you, Philly is allegedly the city of brotherly love, and I can assure you that that only applies now to certain flag-waving neighborhoods). There will be time to rebuild that reputation after everyone is done shooting everyone else. Until then, it's each person for him or her self and if that means appearing insensitive or being an -ist (i.e. classist, racist, elitist), then -ist away for your own survival.
Whew -- it feels good to be proactive about this. And, to the citizens of Gotham, I mean Chitown, you're welcome. Stay classy -- and stay alive!
I DRIVE THROUGH THIS 'HOOD WAY TOO OFTEN FOR THIS NOT TO WORRY ME:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/chi-darius-oliver-uptown-shooting-chicago-violence-20130823,0,1584882.story
COULD THIS BE A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION:
http://abclocal.go.com/wls/story?section=news/iteam&id=9211738
THEY'RE JUST ROB(B)IN' HOOD(LUMS) REDISTRIBUTING THE TECH WEALTH:
http://chicago.cbslocal.com/tag/iphone-theft/
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