... I think someone needs to help beggars rethink their business model.
[One sentence in and I feel like I should start with a disclaimer. I don't mean for any of this to be crass. I hope I'm never in their position (honestly -- a small part of me wants to try it once, just because I'm one who enjoys learning experientially [and I'm one who likes to make up words if I choose to do so]). I'm not even sure that "beggars" is the proper and politically correct word to use for those out seeking change from passers-by (are they economically oppressed nowadays?). And posting this to completion means that I'll have to increase the frequency with which I donate to those I see outside of the Walgreens and the 7-11, just for penance.]
That bit of business aside, let it be known that I didn't go to b-school (I maxed out my loan eligibility barely surviving l-school), but even I can offer up the follow three improvements in day-to-day begging operations:
First, too many of you are asking for change. I'm actually attached to my change, and I'm sure I'm not alone. I need to save quarters for laundry. And pennies for the jug I fill up and give to the youngest member of the Whitman family once every ten years to honor the memory of DJ (whose room was always covered in loose change). And special nickels and special pennies and special quarters that I collect thanks to the pre-recession excitement at the Mint when they spit out so many different iterations before programs were cut to save money around the process of making money. What am I saying? It's 2013. You've earned the right to ask for bills, not change.
Second, whether you continue to request change or you to take my sound business advice and upgrade your "ask" for bills, using that opening line in your hoped-for transaction presumes that the passer-by has any kind of money on his or her physical person. We live in an increasingly cash-less society, which means that your target market is automatically shrinking. You need to rethink your location and to head to intersections near places where cash is still king. Think places with adult performers who thrive on tip money or stores that conduct lottery sales or Angelina Ristorante for brunch (which, incidentally, has some hired help that I wouldn't mind seeing as adult performers who thrive on tip money ... but I digress). What am I saying? Get thee to a place where customers are ONLY permitted to pay in cash, to make sure you're maximizing your target marketing.
Finally, community activists need to rally around this new world. Streetwise is old fashioned. Eatwise is new and an interesting concept tied in to food deserts (something I've referenced before), but it doesn't speak to the points I've raised above. I think we need to equip these folks with iphones and Squares. Not fancy iphones per se (they can be whatever the latest version is that the cool kids are in a hurry to drop because something new and hipper just came out and they're too busy lemminging themselves over the next icliff). But they do have to be fancy Squares, as that's the only way they can start accepting credit and debit cards.
Easy peasy. Tune in next week when I offer up business advice to the countries of the middle east in an attempt to monetize peace. [NOTE: Please read that last sentence in the style of the final scene of every Arrested Development in that I won't really be writing about that next week. And if you've never seen Arrested Development so you don't understand that last sentence (the immediate last sentence, not the last sentence to which that immediate last sentence is referring), then stop what you're doing and go find the series on DVD. And don't come back to this blog until you've done so. Thanks.
OTHER NEW PC PHRASES (CREATED BY ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER, METHINKS):
http://www.joke-archives.com/dictionaries/pcsaying.html
CASH ONLY FOR SUNDAY BRUNCH (AND TO SLIP IN THE HELP'S WAISTBANDS):
http://www.angelinaristorante.com/
IT'S FOR EVERYONE -- SO EVEN BEGGARS COULD BENEFIT:
https://squareup.com/?gclid=CMGw0__dz7UCFQXnnAodxBIAsw
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