PREAMBLE
Being the helpful guy that I am, who is also committed to looking forward, and knowing that the recent election has been challenging for a great many individuals, I am pleased to present a twelve part primer on how to prepare for a Trump "Presidency".
I still stand by my prediction that this will be a partial term "presidency", and that Don Sr will actually quit or do something so egregious that he will be ripped from the oval office before the next election.
But until then ... I do not want people to be paralyzed with fear. I want to offer up a concrete plan consisting of action steps on which individuals can focus. What follows over the next dozen days will be specific items that will help you be best prepared for life after January 20, 2017. There will be action verbs and there will be goals against which you can measure your success, starting tonight with ...
PART ONE: Learn how to scale a wall.
Much has been made of the border plans for a wall to keep others OUT.
Little has been said about how a wall works both ways ... and that it can also be used to keep you IN against your will.
There may come a time after Jan 20 where you may need to make an escape from your environs, and a wall may be standing in your way. As such, you should immediately add wall-scaling into your workout routine.
Courtesy of the interwebs (specifically the wiki how-to), below is an eight step process that might just one day be a key part of your temporary escape from Trumpland:
- First eye the spot on which to place your foot on the wall, waist height is good.
- Get a fair amount of distance away from your wall. What you feel is necessary, but try to be as close as possible--enough so you can gather speed and momentum to run up the wall.
- Start running moderately fast, increase speed as your getting close to the wall.
- Jump and put the ball of your comfortable foot on the wall where you eyed it, and at the same time thrust your other leg up hard; in a bike riding way to gain up momentum.
- Swing your arms and shoulders up to get more up momentum while pushing up.
- Reach, and reach good, as high as you can up and grab an edge.
- Pull yourself up and keep pulling up like on a rock climbing wall, or if possible, simply grab the top and pull yourself up. Remember to get your leg up and then you're good.
- Continue on your adventure.
PART TWO: Subscribe to 'The Crusader'
Knowledge is power.
And you'll need to get past the fact that I'm talking about a communication method used by those affiliated with the *white* power movement.
Seeing as how Don Sr has a rough relationship with the current media, and knowing how eager this resource was to trumpet the fact that their values were aligned when they officially endorsed him shortly before election day, it is highly recommended that you get plugged in to this periodical in order to get scoops about what will be forthcoming from this administration for as long as it lasts.
If Bannon and the alt-right are going to start calling all the shots, it behooves you to get spoiler alerts as to where the "bullets" will be aimed.
I recognize that some of you may not want to have your name associated with such a publication, but I also think that there is a harm to "living in the bubble" and surrounding yourself with only those who think like you do, say things you say and believe what you believe.
If you belong to that category of folk, then I recommend that you subscribe under an alias. May I suggest Mr. Ritz, Mr. Keebler or Mr. Lantz -- or any other famous names of crackers. I doubt they'll get it. But you'll get all the news that's unfit to print.
PART THREE: Max out your credit cards (quickly)
You too can be a genius
Because there are bankruptcy laws out there ... so why not use them? At least until someone changes them ... and I'm guessing that Trump and team, with his affinity for the filing maneuver, won't be in any hurry to do so.
So go spend. Max out the cards. It's good for business ... it will be good for the economy ... it will be good for your image. I even recommend splurging for some gold plated items.
Now note ... if circumstances end up being that you can't afford to pay the bills when they come due, and if the debt collectors start calling, just refer them to Trump (and take credit for keeping debt collectors employed, helping the economy). If you're old enough to remember Coolidge's "chicken in every pot" strategy (and if you are, then you're probably too old to be reading this primer), surely it was an unstated campaign promise this time around that Americans (and maybe even America itself) can go ahead and get all bankrupt -- in a patriotic way.
"You get a bankruptcy! YOU get a bankruptcy! *YOU* get a bankruptcy!"
One final caveat -- if you take action on this item, do do so quickly. After all, I still think it's highly likely that this will be a partial-term "Presidency", and that he'll be ripped from that oval office faster than those babies out of those vaginas three days before they're born that were referenced in the debate. (Just a hunch.)
Don't miss out on being a genius too.
PART FOUR: Find the nearest fallout shelter
No matter what you read in those Biden memes ... he now has the codes.
It is perfectly "reasonable" (if that word has any meaning left to it, that is) to expect that some morning between 2 and 3 am, the Donald is going to read something on the twitter not to his liking and Rosie O'Donnell's house is going to become ground zero ... redefining twitter war for the Trump era.
On the international front, don't forget that both roly poly Kim Jong Un AND the "President Elect" claim Dennis Rodman as "their" African American, so a dispute over to which leader he belongs could get ugly and go nuclear relatively quickly.
In my hometown of Lebanon, the Hebron United Methodist church had a special unused entrance facing an alley that had a fallout shelter sign posted on it. Having lived through and survived the Cold War (which included an American President who knew the value of tearing down walls), I distinctly remember having a sense of peace knowing that I could get to a safe place just a few blocks away.
Please consider scoping out your neighborhood for similar signs from a time gone by ... just in case that "time gone by" turns into a time about to be.
PART FIVE: Renovate your closet
Unless you happen to be in a sanctuary city (or county) ... which you'll know by the spots of blueness in the election results map.
If you live in the blue areas, the amount of time you'll be spending in your closet likely won't change. You can be you out in the open in most blue spots.
However, if you live in a area that's not blue (i.e. red, or gray like in Michigan, who *still* hasn't officially declared a color allegiance over a week after everyone else's vote was settled), and seeing as how we have a "vice president elect" who suffers from selective scripture syndrome and who has gone on record that those with alternative lifestyles shouldn't have pizza ... or flowers ... ('cause Jesus), you may need to plan on spending a little more time in said closet.
So you might as well renovate it. Add a pizza oven. Install a grow area and cultivate your own flowers. Make it big enough to have a few people over. You're going to need a community to get through the next few months, and that community is going to need a place to meet.
Make it pretty. And if you need help with the construction side of things on the closet renovation, consider hiring a lesbian.
Just keep it a secret to avoid the wrath of Pence.
PART SIX: Study French AND Russian (for slightly different reasons)
Bone up on your French.
Not the language ... but the period of time when France was occupied by the Axis powers and how some individuals "knowingly engaged in collaboration" with them, whether driven by "nationalism, ethnic hatred ... anti-Semitism or opportunism" (quotes from the Wiki). It is suggested that you educate yourself so that you can recognize this behavior in others.
After all, the cabinet and other key roles in a "nation under Trump" will be announced shortly, if you know what I mean.
ALSO ... bone up on your Russian.
When I was little (which was the 80's), there was a fear that a surging Japan was buying up too many classically American businesses and real estate, and that we were at risk of being colonized by them. There's a lot of oligarchy funds and a budding relationship with Putin where the same thing might happen in the months ahead with what's left of the USSR, which would be an interesting coda to the Cold War finale.
Plus, let's face it ... that budding relationship is all but destined to be a nasty break up eventually (over Twitter no doubt), and so there's no telling how that incident will play out in our daily lives and which one of them will get custody of the kids (the rest of us Americans).
A final note ... if they can read your emails (and we know that they are already doing that), it's only fair play for you to increase your language skills to the point where you can read theirs.
PART SEVEN: Study Nixon
Once upon a time, there was a President who said some pretty outrageous things ...
who had a highly combative relationship with the press ...
who kept a list of those who wronged him ...
who used the office to enforce personal vendettas ...
who served during a time of great division in our country between races and parties ...
who was a narcissistic paranoid ...
who was the only officeholder to quit.
To prepare for a "nation under Trump", I highly recommend taking some time to learn about Tricky Dick so that you can draw parallels to Tricky Trump at cocktail parties.
Learn from the past to predict the future ...
PART EIGHT: Start an office pool
That's part eight, as in the number of current Supremes.
Absent any shenanigans on Dec 19th (the day the electoral college votes, for those of you who slept through Civics ... or who went to school at a time when Civics wasn't taught), this Trump "Presidency" thing is going to happen
So you might as well make some money off of it. (Note that this assumes you, the reader, isn't mega-wealthy ... as then you stand to make tons of money off of it as a matter of fact.)
My suggestion ... get an office pool going as to which one of the biggies will be overturned first -- and by overturned, I mean "chipped away at", seeing as how that's the way the judicial side of things works. Will it be Roe? Or Loving? Or Obergefell? Let your co-workers weigh in (and pay you to do so).
If you want to make it interesting, you could always add Citizens United to the list ... although everybody should know there's no chance of *that* going away any time soon now, so that would be a ringer question to ensure cash in your pocket (decidedly apropos, if you think about it).
PART NINE: Get a gun
This one's simple and requires little explanation.
Plus, if I use too many words with too many syllables, then I risk being called an elitist.
During the timeframe in which you are living in a "nation under Trump", you're going to need a gun. Because they are going to have one when they come for you.
You're going to have to be able to "stand your ground" (that's a Florida term for being able to shoot black people with just a verbal warning), and you're going to have to be armed.
Note: if you are experiencing mental issues, you may have to go to a gun show to get one. If you are a known felon, then you already know where to score your piece. If you are on the no-fly list, don't worry - you can go anywhere 'cause no one checks those names, as per certain politicians' wishes. If you live with a toddler, you're screwed, 'cause toddlers are *deadly* with those things -- just go ahead and update your will now.
Faster than Pence is going to get Hamilton closed down and replaced with the revival of "Annie Get Your Gun" with Sarah Palin in the lead, you need to be 'packing heat' in 2017
PART TEN: Get male
The truth is that the easiest way to prepare for a Trump "Presidency" is to get male, as quickly as possible.
Of course, I do realize that it's not exactly possible to go out and become the male gender with only eight weeks before inauguration.
Although, come to think of it, trans is on trend currently -- but then there are issues with eliminating waste publicly and such that are much more involved for this little primer. And, just to show you how hypocritical this all is, if you are female going to male, you'll probably still be okay (it's just the male to female that are the bathroom predators, according to certain "logic").
If we've learned nothing else from the transition team news to date, the country is about to be overrun by those with the XY chromosome combo. Spoiler alert: they are going to make Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau circa the 'Grumpy Old Men' movie era look like goodwill ambassadors.
Curmudgeons, not Charles, are about to be in charge (and actually Scott Baio IS going to be one of them maybe) ... and they're all gonna have penises. So if you don't have one, get one now and improve your chances for smooth sailing over the next few years (or months, if my other prediction holds true that this will be a partial-term "Presidency").
PART ELEVEN: Get a female cup
It's just a preventative measure.
But if we've learned nothing else, we've learned that what we all went through empowered and emboldened some of the folks that we *thought* were on the fringe but were really living and working and interacting with us every day.
As such, if you are female, there is an increased chance that someone will try and grab your genitalia to emulate our "President".
So get a female cup to protect yourself.
Note ... if you've been following along, then you've already processed part nine of this primer. With that gun that you should have gotten by now, please know that you are more than welcome to use it to shoot the testicles off of anyone who does attempt such a maneuver.
'Cause, after all, it works with boy dogs to keep them in check and to reduce their aggressiveness -- so I'm sure it works with "dogs" of another kind.
PART TWELVE: Get white
As soon as possible, please. It's only for your own good. Things haven't even started yet *officially* and all the transition team news is tripping the light fandango in order to be the *whitest* shade of pale.
And you might want to practice the makeup until you land on the shade of whiteface that Eddie Murphy used back in the day to more easily secure bank loans. (You could also go for the shade that the younger Wayans Boys use in there movies, but that was more about getting laid, and doesn't quite have the same noble purpose.)
A special note to those of you of mixed race, where one ancestor was white. For the next little bit of time, it is recommended that you gather up the pictures and cultural touchstones related to your non-white relatives and get rid of them. I don't think you have to discard them completely (I do believe America will be great again after it sheds this throwback to a more hateful times), but I do think you might want to put them in that renovated closet you took care of in part five of this primer for safekeeping.
A special note to those of you whiteys who live in sunny areas ... careful not to tan yourself into ethnicity. That's just asking for trouble.
Finally, if it's impossible for you to "get white" in time to help your situation, you may still have a path to acceptance IF you are willing to be a token. If so, learn what you can from Dr. Ben Carson (focus on the head separating stuff and not the knife wielding history ... and ignore the part about those pyramids ... or how a doctor of medicine doesn't quite understand science). Having that one non-white friend apparently goes a long way in easing the conscience.
Good luck to you! (And good luck to us!)
EPILOGUE
It's happening.
So we must be ready.
Ready to stand up for that in which we believe, to ridicule when derision is warranted, to comment when the fear of the "other" tries to become normalized even further, to hold individuals accountable for their actions.
We need to be ready.
Ready to defend democracy, to oppose oligarchy, to prevent prejudice, to resist racism, to veto vitriol.
We need to be ready.
Ready to safeguard our sanctuaries. To preserve our political system that has withstood bloviating blowhards and idiotic interlopers for well over two centuries.
We need to be ready.
Ready to pick up the pieces when the partial term presidency comes abruptly to a halt (that's still the endgame I'm expecting).
We can't just sit by and hope that the recently released Hinckley finds Jodie Foster attractive again.
We are in unpresidented times.
We MUST stay aware ... and awake ... and alert.
And we must NEVER forget to take care of our community ... to hang on to our humanity ... to rise above the baseness that has burst forth unto our land.
We WILL be ready.
We WILL survive this.
We WILL keep America great by relying greatly on its promise of life and liberty for each of us equally.
We WILL be able once again to pursue happiness.
We ARE the people and we ARE more powerful than the "president".
So long as we are ready ...
