... I want my Lebanon back.
I'm not saying I want to go back to Lebanon necessarily (although I do love to visit and I'm way overdue for one -- it's just that my life is elsewhere and has been for about fifteen years) ... but I do want to reclaim its popularity from those doofuses on Discovery Channel's 'Amish Mafia' (and yes, doofus does almost rhyme with Stoltzfus, and yes, I am mostly looking at you, Mr. Stolzfus, and your moniker of 'Lebanon' Levi that has tarnished my hometown).
To be clear, I get it. Amish have been hot in entertainment (again, 'Witness' anyone?) for the last few seasons ('Breaking Amish', 'Amish: Out of Order', Vanilla Ice Goes Amish', etc.). But as someone who spent many a day at Roots or Green Dragon and for whom Intercourse and Blue Ball and Paradise are actual towns I've driven through on a semi-regular basis, I have to tell you that it seems to be a little too much like a mockery of a faith (or faiths, once you add in the Mennonite and Brethren subplots of late). Have I heard of crazy barn parties, where a repressed youth sometimes go a little too wild? Sure I have. Have I ever been to one? No, I have not. Do I think that that local lore should be a jumping off point for plot lines about weed growing in the Amish fields, and mental illness being more prevalent due to inbreeding off of one master blood line, and lonely farmers turning more than a loving eye towards their farm animals? That's where I think it's all going too far.
Admittedly, who am I to take it so personally? If a bunch of fools want to get together and "play television", and it employs some locals, well then, that's good for the local economy. And if the Fredericksburg public library raises funds courtesy of a cast member, then more power to the good cause (my daddy used to run a chicken plant in that town... and my momma used to work there ... so I have a special place in my heart for that place, what with it being so key to my origin story).
But it's just so "cheesily" done. Actors who swear they aren't actors but who have trouble delivering their basic lines and rising above such awkwardly forced faux-reality show tropes. And to hear them struggle to say the lines in PA Dutch, oh my. The last straw for me was the season 2 finale, a just plain awful staged show about how this whole thing isn't a staged show that clearly came off as a more obviously staged show than any of the others. Ugh. Ugh. And another ugh.
Courtesy of that last show, there's clearly no hope for season 3. Storylines purported to be featured -- a new young gingy Amish named Flip will shake things up all new millennial style at the Amish raves (did I really see hut-slut-wear and a blow up doll being stuffed with a beer funnel?), a subplot about Deliverance-looking Kentucky barefoot Amish with weapons who will wreak havoc in Amish country ('cause they are hard core Amish down there [cue banjo music]), another shot of Perry County Prison (truth be told, everyone is always allowed to make fun of anything referencing Perry County -- the original place where "men are men and sheep are scared") ... and a where-the-Hoffa is the pretty boy Brethren boy who was caught shtupping the Bishop's daughter (who, creepily, looked like he was twelve years old).
Look, I just want my hometown of Lebanon to be known for what it was when I was little -- a place for great uniquely flavored bologna and the birthplace of Sam Bowie. Hell, I'll even take the "Town Hall that almost killed Arlen Specter" as Lebanon's legacy over this idiotic drivel.
Shame shame shame on you Discovery Channel. (And shame on me for watching both seasons, and for likely taking on Season 3 -- but to be clear, I'll be "hate-watching" that season [as all the kids do nowadays].)
Give me back my Leb'nun (the way the real natives say it)!
THE HOMETOWN PAPER COVERS HE WHO BEARS MY HOMETOWN'S NAME:
http://www.ldnews.com/ci_22355681/who-is-lebanon-levi-discovery-channels-amish-mafia
THIS IS A REAL SHOW ... NO ... REALLY!:
http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv-movies/barn-wild-vanilla-ice-heads-amish-country-article-1.1481851
I'LL EVEN TAKE THIS LEGACY:
http://www.npr.org/blogs/itsallpolitics/2013/08/07/209919206/5-memorable-moments-when-town-hall-meetings-turned-to-rage
No comments:
Post a Comment