I don't mean to go off on a rant here, but ...
... after walking three miles around my neighborhood today (most of it was on my way back from the Chicago History Museum [yep, I'm a square -- or I would be if it were still the 50's]) and seeing lots and lots of drunk young people covered in green, I can state affirmatively that the only thing I saw that was authentically Irish was the poor setter that was being walked a block away.
Don't get me wrong -- far be it from me to begrudge anyone their fun. I mean -- I did the same thing when I was younger (circa Feb 2012). And I fully support all the money that will flow into local businesses to help us get out of the recession (if you're still going hours later and can go all night -- may I recommend TRACE in Wrigley ... til 5AM on Saturdays! ...), but here are some of the problems I'm having:
1.) I feel certain that the good name of Guinness is going to be besmirched by many who think they have to drink it because it's St. Patrick's Day instead of because it's the most amazing drink in the world that provides more-buzz-per-unit and has restorative powers. If you order it, you best drink it to the last drop. I don't want to hear of any waste!
2.) I think it is a crutch to start drinking before noon "in honor" of the celebration. I have the same feeling about this as I do about drinking games in general. I don't need anyone to tell me when I'm supposed to drink. I will drink as much as I want too and as quickly (or slowly) as I want to and at the time I damn well choose. As for me, even when on vacation (with the exception of my trips to Mexico in 07 and 08), it must be noon:01 before I start imbibing. [To be clear, that holier than thou statement needs to be put in the context that I've been known to still be drinking at 6am on occasion, so my blackout period (pun half-intended) is just that 25% of the day between 6 in the morning and noon -- but everyone needs some rules to live by.]
3.) I tried to stop myself from doing so, but I just couldn't resist judging those green-wearing hussies stumbling around the hood as if I were a candidate for president in the Republican party. And all things Rush aside, I HOPE you're the kind that are taking birth control, because I am not convinced that you are completely in control of your faculties. [Please note: the underlying misogyny in this bullet point is intended to be (wink-wink) and not a part of the "war on women" of Election 2012.]
4.) And boys -- your extreme alcohol intake that's on display might not get you pregnant (although stumble too close to the lake, and you might end up having an unexpected sexual experience all the same) but it sure does seem to lead to a few fights as you play bumper people with other drunks on the sidewalk. If you're going to perpetuate the Irish stereotypes on this holiday, how about you consider the one about the Irish being quick to resort to fisticuffs. To be clear, I'm not endorsing the kind of fisticuffs that result in one person hitting the sidewalk too hard and the other person being hauled off to jail -- or the kind that Chris Brown and Rihanna engage in (the domestic violence, not the post-abuse duet-ing) -- but the kind that doesn't involve knives or guns. A hit, a punch, a slap, a tickle -- just some good old fashioned (and safer, relatively speaking) pugilism and nothing that gets too drastic please.
5.) I'm sure this will be news to those of you who think fortune cookies come from China, but the true color of Ireland tradition is blue -- and not green. So there. That's why I think you look so silly.
Happy St. Patrick's Day to you and yours!
DON'T YOU WASTE A DROP OF MY PRECIOUS GUINNESS:
http://appletonhub.postcrescent.com/ic/beerman/beer_9575486.shtml
THE TOP 10 IRISH FIGHTERS OF ALL TIME:
http://www.northtexasfisticuffs.com/2010-articles/march/qeire-go-brawl-the-top-10-irish-boxers-of-all-time.html
NOT TO RAIN ON YOUR PARADE, BUT THE TRADITIONAL IRISH COLOUR IS BLUE:
http://www.bloggernews.net/120122
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