... I found the missing Malaysian airline last night (or, more accurately, early this morning) in the back woods of Louisiana.
It all started with this job at which I was interning and I was in town for a conference ... but my job was to make sure that there was enough food to eat. Except that the host of the gathering for whom I interned didn't have anything because she was losing her house and was living in delusion, so all the ladies that were her friends went to the nearby deli and made a sandwich and brought it back to me so I could cut them up into smaller pieces and make the food "stretch" to cover all of the participants.
With that crisis averted, the conference continued until it ended abruptly because a colleague of mine had supplied the wrong numbers, due to a rounding error. We headed to the airport to come home, but not before first running into a former colleague of mine (he with the fondness for all things Les Liaisons Dangereuses), who was inexplicably adorned with a little lord faunterloy pageboy haircut. We glared at each other in passing, committed as ever to never again exchanging words, and I overheard him explain to his partner that I was in town for a work meeting.
Then, on the plane on the way home, my colleague with the reputation for faulty math was taken by terrorists when he went to use the washroom, and they mapped out an alternate flight path, as he casually explained to me when he returned to his seat. Our plane was suddenly close to the ground in the back woods of Louisiana, and on one of the turns, I saw the Malaysian airlines deep in the woods, where these same terrorists had taken it, all camouflaged with vines and such. However, our descent was not going so smoothly, and I could tell we were in trouble. First, there was some man walking out in the woods and so there was a witness, which the terrorists didn't want, as they hadn't had any witnesses the last time they did this trick. That caused them to abort the landing at the last minute ... but then my colleague looked at me and said, "oh no, I made the same rounding error", which all happened in the seconds shortly before we crashed.
And what a spectacular crash it was, right out of a Michael Bay movie, dare I say even somehow in slow motion, tail over nose, with a breaking apart of the aircraft just a few rows in front of me so that I escaped the fireball that consumed the front part of the plane, catapulting my section into the main street of whatever town was nearby. Since I was wearing my properly fastened seat belt, I just unbuckled and walked away from the accident. I went looking for the terrorist pilots, but they were gone AND ... so was my faulty math colleague, which made me think that he was in on this all along ...
So how is this a rant? I mean it's my own fault that I allow television to rot my brain ... and I'm genetically wired to be a little on the dramatic side ... and I'm completely comfortable letting my subconscious have a heyday when it comes to dealing with the villains in my life ... BUT ... I did not sign up for a world where the threat of terrorism is so pervasive that it winds its way into my dream life so casually as to be just another plot point. And on the off chance that the collective subconscious of all those souls who probably perished in the actual Malaysian aircraft tragedy have reached out to me as a vessel to tell the world what really happened a la Whoopi from Ghost, well all I gots is a little blog and a Facebook following, the majority of whom probably abandoned this bit of randomness by the second paragraph, so please please pick somebody else.
And one final disclaimer ... I did NOT drink last night. (It was the puppies' first Fourth, and they needed to be calmed and comforted amidst all the noise and confusion in the 'hood.). But I may have watched a little RHONY and CNN before bed.
FOR THOSE OF YOU UNFAMILIAR WITH FAUNTERLOY:
http://thegenealogyofstyle.wordpress.com/2013/03/14/the-boy-who-kicked-out-a-shoe-model/
FOR THOSE OF YOU UNFAMILIAR WITH RHONY AND THE INTERNS:
http://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-new-york-city/season-6/videos/a-day-in-the-life-of-sonja-morgan-s-interns
FOR THOSE OF YOU UNFAMILIAR WITH OTHER MALAYSIAN PLANE THEORIES:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/style-blog/wp/2014/03/18/these-are-all-the-internets-best-theories-on-malaysia-flight-370s-disappearance/
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