I don't mean to go off on a rave (of sorts) here, but ...
... with the Emmys airing tomorrow night and with the amount of TV I watch, I thought I'd pause on Emmy Eve to award a handful of my own Competition Reality Awards and Prizes (capitalization fully intended). After all, the same attempt to seek balance in my life that lets me know I have to have a few raves mixed in with my usual rants guides me to watch almost every competition reality program on TV (as the yang to my PBS and documentary yins). Without further ado ...
MOST UNDER-APPRECIATED COMPETITION REALITY ROLE ... is a tie! First up -- the person who does the entrance music when new contestants are introduced. Conveying a season's worth of heavily edited storylines with a few bars of a signature tune is essential to manipulating the audience. And sharing the honor -- the token contestant in the cast. It could be the chubby one, or the ethnic, or the gay -- or even the straight, depending on the show -- but the fact that the producers will guarantee to keep you on as long as possible to create conflict but never award you the ultimate competition prize makes you ... under-appreciated.
COMMENT TO BE BANNED FROM ANY REUNION SHOW OR POST-SHOW INTERVIEW ... is "but I was edited that way". You chose to participate in a program whose very nature was to edit nearly 24/7 footage into fake-real drama. But it's still you on the tape, sweetheart.
THERE IS A CONSEQUENCE FOR YOUR ACTIONS EDICT ... to be put on the next election ballot decreeing that he or she who quits at any point in an episode must leave. A corollary for the next election cycle will be that he or she who answers the question of who should go home with "me", must also leave.
SUCCESSFUL COMEBACK of 2010-2011 ... goes to the Steven Tyler infused American Idol.
CHANNEL THAT WISHES THEY HAD A COMEBACK in 2010-2011 ... to anything in this genre airing on VH1. I know those reunion shows caused some lawsuits, but the American public is demanding to see girls and guys with little or no self-esteem vie for the love of past rockers, rollers and rappers.
JUDGING PANEL I'D LIKE TO CRITIQUE ME AT THE END OF EVERY DAY ... Bob and Susie on Next Food Star -- it's like therapy listening to their feedback. Can we schedule a daily session before bedtime?
LEAST SUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT AT BEING THE MOST SUSPENSEFUL CHALLENGE (EVER)... is for Hell's Kitchen's "most dramatic/terrifying/explosive/unbelievable" task that always magically results in a tie, to be decided by whomever is the last to be matched up head to head.
BEST JUDGE OF THE COMPETITION REALITY UNIVERSE ... is for Johnny Iuzinni on Top Chef Desserts. I think it's just because he reminds me so much of my "brother" DJ (who has passed on), but I can't watch him without thinking of where DJ might be had he lived.
DOWNLOAD YOUR EMMY BALLOTT HERE:
http://www.emmys.tv/awards/63rd-primetime-emmy-awards
I PRESENT ... JOHNNY IUZINNI:
http://www.bravotv.com/top-chef-just-desserts/bio/johnny-iuzzini
THE MORE OFFICIAL AWARDS:
http://www.emmys.com/nominations/2011/Outstanding%20Reality%20-%20Competition%20Program
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